Five 'Important World Events' I Don't Give A Damn About

My homeland is a dull place; the last newsworthy event was the visit of the QE2. Wow. I didn't care about that event taking place, and have no reason to suppose the rest of the world does, or did.

Happily there is the Internet. (Or is it the World Wide Web? One was invented by the American Military, the other by the British. Answers, please.) This is a fantastic medium that allows video calls, during which you can either look at the camera and therefore not see the person you are videocalling, or you can look at the person you are calling and then, because of the angle that the camera has on you, you will look as if you are staring off into space and have no interest in the conversation you are having.

It also allows you to view and download porn, which is great unless you go for something illegal and get yourself arrested, or your other half finds out and accuses you of infidelity, lack of interest, moral decay and responsibility for the downfall of civilisation. And it's not much fun having a sticky keyboard. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

And then, of course - getting back to the subject that more or less started this post off - you can check out the news in other countries ... !

1. The New York Times carries stories about the Israeli raid on the Gaza Strip convoy, and the condemnation of the dirty deed by the UN security council.

Why anyone would care about this is beyond me. Did the terrorists - sorry, activists - really think Israel would impose a blockade for several years and then just let a bunch of ships waltz on in? Does anyone think America is going to actually take action to force the Israelis to do, or stop doing, anything? Does a bear shit in the woods? Is America wholly in Israel's pocket? Oh, yes!

2. Al-Quaida's number 3 is dead, apparently.

Um. I don't know exactly what threat Al-Quaida is supposed to be to anyone in the West, or anywhere else, for that matter. I don't believe 9-11 was evidence of any great planned and organised terrorist effort, terrible though those events were. It was a few guys getting on planes carrying paper knives, in the days when the airports were too stupid to realise the potential threat. Now the airports do, and governments around the world can conjure 'The War On Terror' to justify all sorts of things: infringements on personal liberty, increased war budgets, invading Afghanistan, take your pick. Once the Iron Curtain fell the powers-that-be must have been panicking - how could they justify their arms budgets? Good old War On Terror! My advice to governments: remember how much you need there to be a global boogeyman. Take your time killing off Al-Quaida, and don't try too hard to win the war in Afghanistan. Oh, wait, you're not.

3. The World Cup

Words fail me at the utter pointlessness of this. They do fail me, really.

4. The Duchess of York says: 'I was drunk, that's why I tried to get half a million for a Royal introduction'.

Right! Right. See, I do the same thing; every time I have too much to drink, I ring up the News of the World and try to convince them I can set them up with royalty for half a million dollars. Funny, it never works for me. But then, I'm not a corrupt ex-Royal.

5. British PM names civil service 'fat cats'.

Now, here's a good one. David Cameron, leader of the Con-Dem Coalition in Britain, makes his government 'transparent' by naming and shaming the secret civil servants who earn - rather, who get paid - twice as much as he does. I guess the thinking is that we'll think of him as a good guy, since he's showing up the bad guys.

That he's in power for five years and can do what he likes without any control from those who voted him in is forgotten by the moron voters who put him there. That Parliament is the supreme law-making body in Britain, and could change things to oust the overpaid civillies, is not even touched upon. And I love the changes that Clegg is proposing; we'll give 'power to the people' - but it'll take at least a year. Yeah, Nick! We love you!

So: there it is. The world events that are getting populations hot under the collar. Kill me now, before the boredom does.